First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
