Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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