Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
