Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
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Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize