You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
