2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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