i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I lost the right to judge tonight
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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