You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
