How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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