Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I got inside last night via doggy door
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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