I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
