a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
COCAINE IS GR8
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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