We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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