For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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