I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
