I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Screwed.edu
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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