Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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