just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
