Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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