Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
