There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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