I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
