So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
