but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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