If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
