Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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