You're so nebulous sometimes
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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