If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Randomize
