If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
