Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
