Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
