every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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