I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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