In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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