Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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