We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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