There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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