I puked a lego.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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