It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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