i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
