Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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