walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
