margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
