i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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