I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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