Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
