My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
