Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
