i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
