He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
