they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
