i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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