why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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