If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
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