i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
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You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
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ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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