I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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