my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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