You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
