can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Are my feet made of real feet?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
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